Petition
of
the All India Confederation of Cockroaches (AICC)
Our Concerns
About Us
We are a Registered Society with the objective of promoting the welfare of all cockroaches of India. We are a totally apolitical organisation since our members cohabit with humans of diverse political sympathies. If our organisation’s acronym resembles that of any political party, it is purely coincidental. In fact, we have been residents of India long, long before the arrival of humans; and our organisation also predates all political parties.More About Us
We do not ordinarily keep track of the learned comments of VVIPs, but it has come to our notice that humans have been called cockroaches. Many humans have protested against this unfair comparison. We, too, are pained at this unkind comparison, and deferentially submit that cockroaches must never be called humans. We have inhabited this planet long before humans appeared, but have never directed our intelligence to the invention of weapons of mass destruction.Humans
consider themselves the most intelligent of all life‑forms on earth, yet
terrorised by an unseen virus, they retreated helplessly into their caves
recently. We may not have invented computers or AI tools, but we have survived
with earthly wisdom and resilience for millions of years. It is not in our
nature to boast, but we can live without food or water for weeks, and stay
under water for 30 minutes or more without breathing — feats humans cannot
match.
The ignorant
spread much disinformation. Why don’t they ever read the Encyclopaedia
Britannica? Most cockroach species aren’t pests. We play important roles in
ecosystems: participating in food webs, nutrient cycling, and serving as food
for frogs, lizards, birds, and small mammals. We concur that the German
cockroach (Blattella germanica) and the American cockroach (Periplaneta
americana) are common household pests. But Indian cockroaches have dipped
in the holy waters of all sacred rivers and have been elevated to harmless,
benign, non‑pest status — certified fit to live with humans.
We declare
that we have no political affiliation or ambition, no plan to float a political
party or movement, nor have we authorised anyone in India or abroad to float
one in our name. Therefore, the use of our name in any digital campaign
launched from abroad is unauthorised, and without our consent. The government
may take such action as it deems fit against those who have tarnished our good
name.
We solemnly
declare that we have no FCRA, and have never solicited or received foreign
funding, since we believe the government will take necessary action for our
protection and conservation.
We demand
that our name be forthwith removed from the list of “Pests & Vermin,” which
we are not. We are the sincere, silent sweepers — Nature’s ancient scavengers —
processing food waste, crumbs, and tiny particles invisible to the human eye.
Without our tireless operations, human kitchens would be fertile breeding
grounds for millions of harmful bacteria.
We never
demanded shelter or food. We lived happily on Planet Earth for millions of
years before humans built houses. Now, we have adapted to living in kitchens —
with our specially flattened bodies tucked into unseen nooks and crevices of no
use to humans.
Why do some
of us stray into other rooms, humans ask? Why do humans keep feeding all over
the house — TV room, bedroom, everywhere — we ask in return? If we don’t rush
to clean up their mess, who else will?
We are
frugal eaters, conscientiously observing intermittent fasting, with a midnight‑to‑dawn
dining window — long before it became a human wellness fad. We are shy, and do
not enjoy our meals in the presence of humans; that is why we wait in dark
corners, not out of fear.
We have
never harboured territorial ambition, and have never occupied any house, city,
or country for our exclusive use. We are happy to share Planet Earth with all
other residents.
Our Demands
1.
The Household Census: A mandatory survey of cockroach population (Options: Too many / A Few /
None / Prefer not to disclose) must be included in every household.
2.
Endangered Species Status: Cockroaches must be declared endangered. We crawled the
earth long before humans appeared on the scene.
3.
A Ban on Chemical Warfare: Hazardous extermination products must cease immediately —
for your own good, not ours.
4.
Illegal Kitchen Spraying: Pesticide spraying in kitchens must be declared illegal.
5.
Censorship of Hateful Ads: All genocidal advertisements against cockroaches must be
banned.
6.
Cease Social Media Slander: The allegation that we might have caused extinction of the
dinosaurs is totally unfounded. We have never caused an epidemic — not even a
mild fever. Therefore, all such accusations must be retracted publicly.
7.
Equal Treatment with Other Animals: No cockroach has ever chased a human down an alley,
nor bitten a child.
8.
The Right to Night‑time Co‑existence: We emerge only in respectful silence, unlike vulgar
rodents.
9.
Legal Animal Citizenship: We are legal animal citizens of India, with the Right to
Live, Nourish, Propagate, and Prosper.
10.
Action Against Foreign Invaders: Illegal immigrant cockroaches must be identified and
extradited.
11.
Our Unwavering Loyalty: We dedicate our quiet lives to recycling organic waste and
swear allegiance to the soil of this country.
12.
A Universal Prayer: Sarve bhavantu sukhinah, sarve santu niramayah. We pray for the
health and wellbeing of humans, and urge them to, for once, pray for ours —
preferably before reaching for the spray.
Since our
above-mentioned submissions in dull, insipid prose might have bored the
authorities reading this petition, we end with poetry.
Before
you approach,
Declare: are you human or roach?
Only then may we
Permit you to plea,
And your arguments deferentially broach.
Signed,
President of the AICC
(On behalf of the billions of Cockroaches of India)
Certified
true copy of the resolution passed unanimously by antennae quorum at 23:47
hours, under the solemn glow of a midnight kitchen bulb.
***
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