She’s a "BITCH"*, BAN her book!

(Blogger’s Note: This is a piece of satire. Do not read, if you do not like satires. The book and its author are real, but CRF is a fictional society, and its views may not be construed as the blogger’s own views.) 

Citizens' Reading Forum (CRF):

Protecting the Nation from Dangerous Literature

To,

Competent Authority,

Ministry of Home Affairs,

Government of India,

New Delhi.

Date: 23 Nov. 25.

Subject: Memorandum for BAN of an OBJECTIONABLE book under section 98 of the Bhartiya Nyaya Sanhita, 2023.

Dear Sir,

The Citizens’ Reading Forum (CRF) is a Registered Society of responsible citizens committed to support and strengthen our democratically elected government which has firm faith in the Constitution including the Right to Freedom of Speech.

It is the duty of the Government to protect the citizens from obscene, dangerous books masquerading as literature. To alert and advise the Government for appropriate action when deemed necessary, CRF members quickly read and evaluate new books.

CRF in its latest meeting has passed the following unanimous resolution:

Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy is a BAD book and must be BANNED forthwith.

The reasons why the book must be banned are elaborated hereunder:

·      The cover page of the book has a photo of the author smoking a bidi. Smoking causes cancer. It kills. The book should be banned since it promotes tobacco consumption and smoking. It should be investigated if she has received a commission from a tobacco company to promote smoking under the garb of a literary work. The publisher’s disclaimer at the back cover in small print that the photo is for representational purpose only does not constitute the Statutory Warning against consumption of tobacco.

·      The author narrates with unseemly candour her sexual peccadilloes including premarital and unprotected sex leading to an unwanted pregnancy and a highly dangerous abortion without anaesthesia. Exposure to such narratives can be a corrupting influence on young women and pose a serious threat to our traditional moral values.

·      Massey Sahib, the 1985-film should also be banned; now that the author has revealed that she acted as Massey’s wife and cradled a child in her arms after returning from an abortion. How ironical and fake! Since she flaunts her honesty and authenticity at every available opportunity, why didn’t she tell her Director and co-actors before the shot about her recent abortion?

·      The author has walked with armed Naxalites in the forests of Bastar. She is an urban Naxalite sabotaging our democratic government and society.

·      She is anti-national as is evident from her writings on Kashmir. Her book Azadi is among the 25 books recently banned in Jammu and Kashmir.

·      She is anti-development as is evident from her active support to Narmada Bachao Andolan, and her writings against Big Dams and displacement of tribals.

·      Her intelligent mother could spot early on the seeds of rebellion and contempt for traditional values and mores in her daughter, and presciently called her a BITCH.

·      Mary also said, ‘I wish I had dumped you in an orphanage’; ‘You’re a millstone around my neck’.

·      Unfortunately, Mary’s vagrant, wayward, prodigal daughter became a famous author by a fluke. ‘God of Small Things’ won the Booker Prize. God know what literary merit the Booker judges found in that silly book! Maybe, the English-language publishing industry, unnerved at the rising popularity of Hindi, Bengali, Tamil, Kannadiga, and other Indian languages, bribed or otherwise influenced the Booker committee to declare GoST as the winner, to perpetuate Macaulay’s machinations to keep Indians yoked forever to a foreign language.

·      She ran away from her mother who was suffering from acute asthma and was under serious financial difficulties. In stead of joining her mother’s school as a KG teacher, she went away to Delhi to study architecture though she never wanted to be an architect.

·      On her train journey from Kerala to Delhi, she carried a knife which reveals her lack of faith in our highly efficient and dependable police system.

·      Alone at night at Pipariya bus stand, she was in danger of being abducted. By the time the police were alerted, she had boarded the bus for Pachmarhi. The super-efficient Pipariya police chased the bus, intercepted it about midnight in a jungle stretch, and offered to chaperon her by the police jeep to Pachmarhi. She declined owing to her inherent distrust of the police, but the determined police party boarded the bus, two constables got her to sit between them to prevent her abduction, and ensured her secure handover to the film crew at Pachmarhi. Did she even say thanks to the helpful police contingent?

·      She is unrepentant and foul-mouthed. She has called herself ‘the Hooker who won the Booker.’ In an interview at Los Angeles, she claimed that she called herself a ‘hooker,’ in retaliation to the Supreme Court judges repeatedly calling her ‘that woman.’ Why, what is wrong with ‘that woman’? She should be thankful to the judges that they didn’t call her ‘that disreputable, subversive, seditious, adulterous woman!’

·      She stole a married man from his wife. Her conduct is unbecoming of an Indian woman and a threat to our family values.

The above-mentioned details establish without any doubt that the book is UNHEALTHY (bidi-smoking), OBSCENE(unprotected, premarital sex), SEDITIOUS (Bastar-naxalites, Kashmir secessionists), UNSAFE and ADULTEROUS (sex by an unwed girl with a married man).

Before Mother Mary Comes to Me becomes another bestseller, makes her much richer, and wins a second Booker or any other prize, the book must be banned.

Therefore, we request for your quick and decisive action. Please BAN the book before many more readers are exposed to its corrupting influence.

We, at the Citizens’ Readers Forum, have read the book, despite the grave risk of moral contamination, with a view to alerting the Government about this objectionable, obscene, and dangerous book, and counselling fellow citizens to refrain from reading the book.

Should the concerned committee of the Government require it, CRF is willing to provide necessary assistance. We have culled out all the objectionable passages, and can quickly brief the committee without requiring the members to plod through all the garbage contained in the stinking book.

If invited to Delhi, we request for economy class flight tickets and accommodation in Ashoka Hotel for two of our distinguished representatives.

Statutory Warning

We understand that the Government would follow due procedure before banning the book which may take some time. Therefore, we suggest that the Government may issue an interim order to the publisher to paste on the cover page in BIG and BOLD letters the following Statutory Warning:

·      Smoking KILLS (with photo of a cancerous mouth)

·      Author or Publisher do not recommend or encourage premarital, unprotected sex, or adultery.

·      Abortion without anaesthesia is highly dangerous, and can be fatal.

·      Supporting Kashmir secessionists is an act of sedition and liable to criminal prosecution.

·      Anyone who emulates the author and walks with naxalites in Bastar may get killed in police encounter.

Yours in Eternal Vigilance,
President,
Citizens’ Reading Forum
(Reading books so you don’t have to)

***

*Note: We believe in civilised discourse and refrain from using defamatory words for any lady even though we may criticise or condemn her book. The inappropriate word is not ours; Mother Mary used it for her daughter who later became an author.