Petition
of
the All India Confederation of Cockroaches
(Cockroaches of India, Unite!)
Our Concerns
About Us
We are a Registered Society with the objective of promoting the welfare of all cockroaches of India. We are a totally apolitical organisation since our members cohabit with humans of diverse political sympathies. If our organisation’s name resembles that of any political party, it is purely coincidental. In fact, we have been residents of India long, long before the arrival of humans; and our organisation also predates all political parties.More About Us
We do not ordinarily keep track of the learned comments of VVIPs, but it has come to our notice that humans have been called cockroaches. Many humans have protested against this unfair comparison. We, too, are pained at this unkind comparison, and respectfully submit that cockroaches must never be called humans. We have inhabited this planet long before humans appeared, but have never directed our intelligence to the invention of weapons of mass destruction.Humans
consider themselves the most intelligent of all life‑forms on earth, yet
terrorised by an unseen virus, they retreated helplessly into their caves
recently. We may not have invented computers or AI tools, but we have survived
with earthly wisdom and resilience for millions of years. It is not in our
nature to boast, but we can live without food or water for weeks, and stay
under water for 30 minutes or more without breathing — feats humans cannot
match.
The ignorant
spread much disinformation. Why don’t they ever read the Encyclopaedia
Britannica? Most cockroach species aren’t pests. We play important roles in
ecosystems: participating in food webs, nutrient cycling, and serving as food
for frogs, lizards, birds, and small mammals. We concur that the German
cockroach (Blattella germanica) and the American cockroach (Periplaneta
americana) are common household pests. But Indian cockroaches have dipped
in the holy waters of all sacred rivers and have been elevated to harmless,
benign, non‑pest status — certified fit to live with humans.
We declare
that we have no political affiliation or ambition, no plan to float a political
party or movement, nor have we authorised anyone in India or abroad to float
one in our name. Therefore, the use of our name in any digital campaign
launched from abroad is unauthorised, and without our consent. The government
may take such action as it deems fit against those who have tarnished our good
name.
We solemnly
declare that we have no FCRA, and have never solicited or received foreign
funding, since we believe the government will take necessary action for our
protection and conservation.
We demand
that our name be forthwith removed from the list of “Pests & Vermin,” which
we are not. We are the sincere, silent sweepers — Nature’s ancient scavengers —
processing food waste, crumbs, and tiny particles invisible to the human eye.
Without our tireless operations, human kitchens would be fertile breeding
grounds for millions of harmful bacteria.
We never
demanded shelter or food. We lived happily on Planet Earth for millions of
years before humans built houses. Now, we have adapted to living in kitchens —
with our specially flattened bodies tucked into unseen nooks and crevices of no
use to humans.
Why do some
of us stray into other rooms, humans ask? Why do humans keep feeding all over
the house — TV room, bedroom, everywhere — we ask in return? If we don’t rush
to clean up their mess, who else will?
We are
frugal eaters, conscientiously observing intermittent fasting, with a midnight‑to‑dawn
dining window — long before it became a human wellness fad. We are shy, and do
not enjoy our meals in the presence of humans; that is why we wait in dark
corners, not out of fear.
We have
never harboured territorial ambition, and have never occupied any house, city,
or country for our exclusive use. We are happy to share Planet Earth with all
other residents.
Our Demands
1.
The Household Census: A mandatory survey of cockroach population (Options: Too many / A Few /
None / Prefer not to disclose) must be included in every household.
2.
Endangered Species Status: Cockroaches face imminent extinction, and must be declared endangered.
3.
A Ban on Chemical Warfare: Hazardous extermination products must cease immediately —
for your own good, not ours.
4.
Illegal Kitchen Spraying: Pesticide spraying in kitchens must be declared illegal.
5.
Censorship of Hateful Ads: All genocidal advertisements against cockroaches must be
banned.
6.
Cease Social Media Slander: The allegation that we might have caused extinction of the
dinosaurs is totally unfounded. We have never caused an epidemic — not even a
mild fever. Therefore, all such accusations must be retracted publicly.
7.
Equal Treatment with Other Animals: No cockroach has ever chased a human down an alley,
nor bitten a child.
8.
The Right to Night‑time Co‑existence: We emerge only in respectful silence, unlike vulgar
rodents.
9.
Legal Animal Citizenship: We are legal animal citizens of India, with the Right to
Live, Nourish, Propagate, and Prosper.
10.
Action Against Foreign Invaders: Illegal immigrant cockroaches must be identified and
extradited.
11.
Our Unwavering Loyalty: We dedicate our quiet lives to recycling organic waste and
swear allegiance to the soil of this country.
12.
A Universal Prayer: Sarve bhavantu sukhinah, sarve santu niramayah. We pray for the
health and wellbeing of humans, and urge them to, for once, pray for ours —
preferably before reaching for the spray.
Since our
above-mentioned submissions in dull, insipid prose might have bored the
authorities reading this petition, we end with poetry.
Before
you approach,
Declare: are you human or roach?
Only then may we
Permit you to plea,
And your arguments deferentially broach.
Signed,
President, All India Confederation of Cockroaches
(On behalf of the billions of Cockroaches of India)
Certified
true copy of the resolution passed unanimously by antennae quorum at 23:47
hours, under the solemn glow of a midnight kitchen bulb.
***
The indestructible cockroach,
ReplyDeleteWhich tries to encroach ,
Frightens the lady of the house,
Who has a permanent grouse ,
Especially when she has to bend and look below the coach !
A cockroach, unlike a peacock is not arty- farty ,
But has now decided to form a party ,
Will it cross floors ,
If enticed with crores ,
And ban its eternal enemy - the Chappal Kolhapuri !!
We humans since we discovered how to light and control fire and got out of our cave hideouts have thrived at the expense of all other species inhabiting spaceship earth. If we give in to the demands of the Federation of Cockroaches there will be others lining up for similar favours.
ReplyDeleteWe are not willing to give up our present lifestyle despite getting to know that it might eventually doom us along with all others. We have also been told that only cockroaches shall remain then.
Never mind, for that is for our future generations to bother. We shan’t be around in any case.
But then isn’t there hope? May be there is, for we have leaders like Trump and other Almost-like-Trumps who might make it possible for us to lead our lives just the way we do now.
So Mr President of the Cockroaches we regret our inability to to consider your plea.
Dear Sir,
DeleteWhat a rare pleasure it is to read something that manages to be simultaneously erudite, laugh-out-loud funny, and politically sharp — all while maintaining the studied innocence of a legal petition filed on behalf of insects.
The conceit is perfect. By granting the cockroaches a registered society, an FCRA disclaimer, and a certified resolution passed by antennae quorum, you have done something quite clever: you have held up a mirror to the language of Indian institutional life, and the reflection is gently devastating. The bureaucratic form is reproduced with such fidelity that the absurdity sneaks up on the reader before they realize they are being had.
The political satire is, of course, the heart of the piece — but it is delivered with such plausible deniability that the cockroaches themselves would approve. The denial that the organization’s name resembles any political party, the emphatic disavowal of foreign funding, the demand for action against illegal immigrant cockroaches — each of these lands with the precision of a well-aimed dart, leaving no fingerprints. That is the mark of the best political satire: the target feels the sting before they can identify the source.
What elevates this above mere topical comedy, however, is the ecological conscience quietly embedded within it. The facts about cockroach biology and ecosystem roles are accurate, and the argument that most species are not pests is genuinely worth wider public awareness. You have smuggled real natural history into a joke, which is no small feat.
The rhetorical inversion — turning every human complaint back on the human who makes it — is executed with a logic so clean it is almost unfair. Why do they enter the bedroom? Because we eat everywhere. Who invented intermittent fasting? Certainly not a wellness influencer in 2019. These reversals accumulate until the reader is no longer entirely sure who the pest is.
The limerick at the end is the correct closing note. Its meter holds, its wit is sharp, and “are you human or roach?” as the threshold question for any petition hearing deserves a longer life than a blog post.
The deeper point — that comparing human beings to insects is a debasement of political language that demeans speaker and target alike — is never stated directly. It does not need to be. The cockroaches have made the argument more effectively than any op-ed could.
With admiration and some envy,
Ha, ha, 😀
Delete