Bureaucrats: A Boon or a Bane?

A Nation-wide Survey

Not long ago, a few persons received a rather unusual WhatsApp message; unusual because of the Advisory in bold capital letters: PLEASE DO NOT SHARE!

“As you are aware, our country is run by competent governments, and the governments are run by bright bureaucrats who are sometimes unfairly criticised for being petulant pen-pushers; babus building less roads but bent upon erecting road-blocks here, there, and everywhere.

This study is undertaken for a better understanding and appreciation of bureaucrats who are the solid, time-tested pillars of good governance.

You have been selected to participate in this independent, non-partisan, nation-wide survey by a reputed university to compile a comprehensive list of the defining qualities of bureaucrats.

Please complete the Questionnaire given below and submit your response at your earliest. It should take you not more than five minutes.

Please note that this is a pro-bono project undertaken by the university and is hoped to immensely benefit the nation. Therefore, you will not be paid for participating in the survey. However, 10 ‘Best Responses’ selected by our Panel of Experts will be published in our portal; and in a special ceremony to be held in New Delhi the lucky respondents will be awarded a Certificate of Expertise in Study, Evaluation, and Demystification of Civil Servants.

Research Methodology

Stakeholders are many, but for this study only 10 stakeholder groups are selected. From each group, 1000 Respondents are selected at random with proportionate representation from various age-groups, genders, religions, regions, linguistic, professional groups, castes, and classes.

Questionnaire

1.   Do you think the bureaucrats run the country? (Y/N)

2.   Do you think they have the intelligence and skill-set to run the country? (Y/N)

3.   Do you think the bureaucrats are singularly responsible for good governance in the country? (Y/N)

4.   Do you think the bureaucrats act and behave like public servants? (Y/N)

5.   Do you think they are corrupt? (Y/N)

6.   Do you think the bureaucracy should be entirely overhauled? (Y/N)

7.   Did you seek any help or facilitation from a bureaucrat recently? (Y/N)

8.   Did you receive it? (Y/N)

9.   Your level of satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10? (1 for least satisfied, 10 for fully satisfied)

10.                  What are the defining qualities of a bureaucrat? How would you briefly describe a bureaucrat? Preferably in one sentence, and in no case exceeding three sentences (Word-limit: 50 words).

Best Responses

Politicians (Ministers, MPs, MLAs, Party Presidents, etc.):

A bureaucrat is a wild horse that must be tamed, and assigned to a capable, experienced rider.

Judges (SC, HC, including Retired)

A bureaucrat is a bull in a china shop, and must be restrained with the whip of contempt of court, and the leash of frequent judicial oversight.

Bureaucrats (Senior, Junior, Retired)

A bureaucrat is a beast of burden carrying the heavy weight of the governance of this vast, unwieldy, problematic country on its sturdy shoulders, and hence must be fed well (pay-parity with the private sector).

Business-person

A bureaucrat is (Business)man’s best friend; though a pit-bull can be unpredictable and dangerous! Easily managed with a steady supply of dog-bones.  

Journalists (Print & Electronic media, Social-Media)

A bureaucrat croaks like a frog and feels hurt when there is little applause from the audience for which journalists are unfairly blamed.

Academician

A bureaucrat is like an owl – the carrier of Lakshmi; gifted with stealth-flight and night-vision, it unerringly hunts  its prey at night; for day-time operations, they must be schooled in specialist institutions.

NGO/Activist

A bureaucrat is a hen  which lays a small egg and shrieks as though the egg is golden.

Doctor/Nutritionist

A bureaucrat is perpetually hungry; omnivorous with a constitution capable of digesting stones.

Thinker/Philosopher

A bureaucrat is a chameleon.

Aam Aadmi (A Voter)

A bureaucrat is like Shiva’s serpent, doesn’t directly demand an offering of milk daily but partakes a modest portion from what is poured on his Lord and Master.

Executive Summary

A bureaucrat is a strange creature, possibly alien. Maybe, to deal with the bewildering problems and challenges in running our country, useful features from a range of animals have been borrowed by our nation-builders to create this versatile creature – not much unlike the hugely-successful demon-king  Dashanan who with ten heads and twenty arms had conquered the three worlds.

(Image generated by Gemini-AI)

Disclaimer

The opinions of the above-mentioned stakeholders-respondents are not to be misconstrued as the opinion of this blogger – a former bureaucrat. He believes that a bureaucrat  is a fine specimen of Homo Sapiens (the wise man); though his own views may have an inescapable subjective bias.

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Humorous Quotes on Bureaucrats

·      “A bureaucrat is like a Kafkaesque spider—weaving webs of process, then pretending to be surprised when you get stuck.”

·      “A bureaucrat moves like a sloth through treacle—slow, deliberate, and entirely unaware that the world is on fire.”

·      “He wound through red tape like a python, squeezing progress out of every policy.”

·      “Some bureaucrats are sacred cows: unmovable, unquestionable, and completely unaware of the mess they're standing in.”

·      “Give a bureaucrat a banana and he’ll write three memos, file it under ‘fruit procurement,’ and request a committee to peel it.”

·      “Bureaucrats are like pigeons in a government plaza—flapping endlessly, dropping forms from above, and scattering at accountability.”

·      “Like ants, bureaucrats march in endless lines, building nothing visible but defending it with paperwork.”

·      “They repeat the policy manual like parrots—colourful, noisy, and incapable of original thought.”